Yoga Truths Ipsum

Going to be a yoga practitioner being a yoga practitioner fools people into thinking i am calm i smell like patouli oil wearing yoga tattoos attracts the boys if you don''t stretch you will die $80 seaweed pants mantra schmantra this is our next pose... fuck that, i'm going across the street for a drink. my dream is to open my own yoga studio. super hippies yoga is the greatest fraud ever perpetuated against american women for the sake of vanity if you don't count the ones that killed or maimed them. yoga is fake exercise. if you do yoga or are owned by a vampire, you must eventually get a tattoo on your neck. the color of yoga is plum. yoga "gear and apparel" is no longer just for the yoga studio. yogabond: a derogatory term to describe the new urban hipster who practices yoga, and can be seen wandering the city streets with a five buck latte in one hand, phone in the other, and yogamat slung over their shoulder. after i started doing yoga, i changed the way i talk to a soft fake whisper i am a yoga goddess. i like men to know that i do yoga, because knowing i can bend really well means i'm awesome in bed. my husband had an affair with a yoga goddess. bad karma. i never knew being able to contort your body in unnatural ways gave you a free pass to pretentiousness, but i've encountered plenty of jerk face yoga teachers over the years. this one bitch yoga instructor kept yelling, "suck in your core! suck it in!" and i was like -- bitch, i can hear you but i'm pregnant. the yoga pant phenomenon worries me. a lot. it's like wearing pantyhose and nothing else in public. fellow girls - yoga pants are not pants. please, for the love of all of us who don't want to see your junk in explicit detail at any given moment, wear something else. oh no, my tank top is so tight it shows off my pierced nipples. oh wait, i want people to know i have pierced nipples. believe it or not, the same pair of yoga pants garnered me three very profitable marriages. how do you think i afford this house on the river?.

I smell like patouli oil i bought the most expensive yoga mat i could find and left the price tag on. fake yoga: the act of using yoga for self-aggrandisement, to define personal style or to make money in the yoga business. close your eyes. if you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open. what does a dyslexic cow say? oooommmm. i never knew being able to contort your body in unnatural ways gave you a free pass to pretentiousness, but i've encountered plenty of jerk face yoga teachers over the years..

Going to be a yoga practitioner i prefer to dress up in fancy clothes and pay someone to watch me stretch self-righteous spiritual types yoga is fake exercise. yogabond: a derogatory term to describe the new urban hipster who practices yoga, and can be seen wandering the city streets with a five buck latte in one hand, phone in the other, and yogamat slung over their shoulder. yogahead: a new age nutter, twit or bird who has a monthly membership at a local yoga studio and does yoga three or more times a week. they talk about their guru or their vacation at kripaulu center for yoga and health, omega institute, easlen or other spas catering to new age nutters in a breathless, oh-so-spiritual voice. fake guru what does a dyslexic cow say? oooommmm. i like men to know that i do yoga, because knowing i can bend really well means i'm awesome in bed. yoga is great for my bi-curious side that surfaced after my third divorce. a yoga goddess? a "yogurt goddess" sounds more like a lonely, pretentious, scared little girl who separates herself from the world and other people so she doesn't get hurt. or just someone with autism. the yoga pant phenomenon worries me. a lot. it's like wearing pantyhose and nothing else in public..